michelleshopped

What I did for my birthday week...

2011-09-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

yep, the older I get it moves from my birth DAY, to my birthday WEEKEND, and now it's slowly creeping up to birthday WEEK, I imagine MONTH is what follows...I love that the September Squam falls around my birthday, and now that I've finally gone, there is no doubt it will become an annual pilgrimage for me. As the wise woman says, it is not a luxury, it is a need.

The last time I went to a retreat was when I was 16. It was called ECHO and was at the Craigville Conference Center. And while there were girls there I knew, there were also those there I didn't. And while it was a Christ-centered retreat, it involved much storytelling, art, creativity and all around sharing as does SAW. Which makes me wonder -- spirit, God, art, nature, creation...isn't it all the same? I know the message of Squam was the same as the message of ECHO -- whether we knew each other or not when we arrived, we felt the same thing when we left -- one LOVE. Mmmmm, blessed synchronicity.

SAW

2011-09-14T05:02:00.000-07:00

off to my first Squam today...

Long goodbyes and last goodbyes

2011-07-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

We're fortunate when we get a chance to make our last goodbyes. My father and some of his brothers (there were 6 boys in all) flew out to Washington state a few years ago to say good-bye to Uncle Tom, the second-born and the first to go. Uncle Joe, the first born went a couple of years later with no warning.

With Uncle George, a year and a half younger than my dad, we all know it's coming. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in miracles, but I've been this good-bye route with lots of praying before, and the reality is, the good-byes did come at those times. I'm not complaining. It's just got me to thinking how sad it must be for my father to be flying down to Florida today to give his brother what most likely will be a last farewell. Sad as it is, it is also something that when we do get the opportunity to do it, is a blessing.

Speaking of goodbyes, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to say good-bye yet to this blog, but for several months now I just haven't had it in me to write here. The thoughts have been there, but they just ain't makin' it down to my fingers and onto a page. But, like I said, I do believe in miracles ;)

The Rest of the Story

2011-02-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Playing with digital photos, it's occurred to me how much fun it is to find a focus and crop out the rest of the picture -- or, as with our lives, the rest of the story. Although I have to admit, good and bad, I want all of the story much as parts of it may pain me. It keeps me whole. Of course, I can blithely write this on a day when all is right with my world.

I have a bunch of old and new friends coming over for our inaugural group adventure -- creating a women's circle, something I've envisioned for at least two years, perhaps longer. And now it's finally here, after many fits and starts. Can't wait -- it is so difficult to come by community in the real world these days, let alone a virtual one. So today, I leave you with the rest of the Abbey picture. There will be other days for contemplation again but today is not one of them for me.

Contemplation

2011-02-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Bird on the peak of the abbey ruins in Timoleaugue -- two of my favorite bits of nature -- rock and feathers...earth and sky...grounded and infinite...earthbound and celestial...mmmm....yeah...

Rabbit Redux

2011-02-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

Ground Hog Day. Imbolc. Candlemas. An appropriate day to peek out from my slumber here. Not sure if I'll resurrect this blog or not -- I've been writing at our other blog, but I do miss having a place that's just for me. Toying with the idea of creating a new one. But for now, this is it.

Strained my shoulder at work a couple of weeks ago, and after the initial grumpiness have settled in to enjoying my time creatively -- lots of dabbling -- in the kitchen, my studio, outdoors, in books. Kinda trying to get a rhythm going, something akin to the seasons and the natural world. I have an old book I picked up who knows where by Jean Hersey called The Shape of a Year, and I am following along with that each month. Also, checked out Edith Holden's The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady, 1906: a facsimile reproduction of a naturalist's diary to peruse.

I tend to love out-of-print books -- was reading Rumer Godden's memoirs and such a couple of winters ago. Trying to limit my computer use again because it does end up sucking up time and then I berate myself for not being more productive (e.g., creative).

So, this time of year I'm allowing myself to go within, contemplate, consider, shed some stuff and reclaim some of my dormant goddess energy. Books and the kitchen really seem to be my thing lately. And spirituality, in particular my native or Celtic spirituality which parallels so many others -- in symbols, herbs, animism, drumming and so on. Kind of cool when I make all the connections. Connecting. that's what it's all about for me.

** tree from one of my Glandore wanders -- a sacred symbol in Celtic traditions

Ceremony

2010-11-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

Pixie's letting go of her beloved dog last year was how I wanted to let go of Joe. But it was not to be. In time I envision a ceremony that will bring my family peace. The one word everyone who knew him uses to describe him is "character." That he was.

Wandering

2010-10-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm wandering these days. Until I return please find me here occasionally.

My Love of almost 17 years

2010-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

When my ex- moved out, I got this little guy a month later. Almost 17 years together, longer than my marriage. He died Thursday night and I am ripped apart. My heart is broken. The thing about a dog is the unconditional love -- they're always happy to see you more than any other friend you've got. I will mourn this little guy for a long time.

Soldier homecoming surprise mix

2010-08-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

Love this! the girl in the first video reminds me of me when I was nine and my dad returned from Vietnam. Reunions are sweet and I was blessed as one of the lucky kids.

The 21 Club

2010-07-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon, June 30, 1989 -- took my sweet boy for a haircut today. He looks adorable. Bloody blazing hot Vermont summer day. Sat out at the picnic table on the patio with him and talked about the baby. "Please God, I want a baby sister" (talk about pressure! His dad wanted a son when he was born, didn't think I'd feel that gender pressure again. I was so thrilled with my little boy that I couldn't picture myself with a little girl, and would have been just as happy with another boy).
"Why don't you name her Mary Anthony, Mommy? Don't you think that's a pretty name?"
(Well, yes, I just haven't decided on a name yet so we'll see).

About 0100 Saturday, July 1, 1989 -- I wake up, feeling some twinges. Hmmm, maybe it's labor starting even though I'm not due until Bastille Day. Oh well, no sense losing sleep over it so go back to sleep.

1000 Saturday, July 1, 1989 -- up and at 'em...still feeling those twinges, but I'm not going to get worked up for nothing, so we all go strawberry picking with Aunt Jacqueline and Evelyn Gramma. I have to work in SICU (Surgical Intensive Care) at 1500. I mention casually to everyone that if I am in labor it's a good place to be.

1730 July 1, SICU -- quiet eve and on supper break figure I'll go up to L & D (labor and delivery) to see if much is going on. I luck out and Linda, my nurse midwife is on duty this eve. She checks me out (about 4 cm dilated) and she says I'll probably have a baby in the next day. Okay.

1930 July 1, SICU/L & D -- Finished ordering patient labs for the next day, so all my work is pretty much done. Quiet evening on the unit so we'll probably sit around sharing our crazy birth stories and so on. I go to the bathroom and as I'm leaving the bathroom, there is a gush of pink water, flooding down my leg and soaking my ankle socks. I exit the bathroom, saying to Lorraine, our nurse's aide, and Rita, the housekeeper, "I'm really shaky, I think my water broke," at which point, Lorraine's swooped a wheelchair under my butt and Rita mops up the floor behind us as Lorraine wheels me right up to L & D. I luck out again (and will yet again when I get the last room on maternity later) and get the last birthing room (most like home), the nurse manager for my nurse (who immediately offers me a unit secretary job there if I'm ever interested), and Linda returns, with love and support. She checks my progress to discover 9 cm now! We've called Jason and Jacqueline, and all of a sudden I'm remembering "Oh Yeah! THIS is how much childbirth hurts!" (Yet this time I'm able to breathe through the pain more easily. I'm more centered and know what to expect).

It's lucky Jacqueline happened up for a visit because she's also Anthony's support person (siblings are allowed into the birthing center to share in the family birth experience, they just need to have their own support person). Jac. and Anthony show up soon after we call. Linda supports me until my support person (Jason) finally shows up, smelling of alcohol and looking a bit frazzled and sweaty. I look over my shoulder at Jac. and A. at one point -- my 5 year old boy is cool as a cuke, while my 26 year old sister looks like all the color has gone out of her (I feel the humor even if I don't feel like laughing at the minute).

2048 July 1, L & D -- It's a little gal! her dad announces. Big bro gets the little sis he prayed for, but the name I'd picked out -- Rose Elizabeth, now all of a sudden I'm not so sure. She's so tiny at 6 pounds 9 ounces, tinier than her brother was, but just as beautiful and dark, though wouldn't you figure? Her bro was born with a mop of dark hair he never lost (old ladies used to tell me I should cut it! to which I'd reply, "I love his hair, chances are when I have a girl, she won't have much," and sure enough! She had my father's receding hairline).

Jason makes phone calls to family, Anthony chats with everyone too. He's been very calm and cool throughout the whole birth experience, saying there was a little blood but not much.

1300 July 2, Home -- The neighbors greet us -- 80something Mrs. Ross, Dick, our landlord; Missy and Todd, his kids; Mrs. Shepherd, his mother-in-law; Leitha and the rest of the Breens next door, Gramma Evelyn, Aunt Kathleen, Sophie, Jacqueline and Jason's friend Nat Witham, with the video camera (we didn't ever have one, so it was photos for us). Anthony wanting a name very much, me still undecided. Alanna, Tina, Kira, Kara, Moon Unit, it's overwhelming naming a child so soon! My friend Lisa, didn't name her son for about a year, in the American Indian tradition of her family.

Late July, Big Apple Circus Week -- I'm in tears! I'd bought an inexpensive 35mm camera (cooler than my Kodak Instamatic I thought) and we used that to shoot the birth photos. The take-up reel on the film didn't engage, so the only photos that came out from the birth were the few that my sweet boy took with his little 110. I was inconsolable as I remembered how sweet he looked wearing Mickey Mouse scrubs, sitting in the rocking chair with my sister while his sister was being born.

1913, July 1, 2010 -- My girl's name is Molly Rose and she's "legal" now. Her brother is still as protective as ever, wishing her Happy Birthday and telling her not to get alcohol poisoning. How deep and wide can a mother's love for her children get? It's beyond measure, beyond words, beyond this world. And I hope their love for each other grows as deep and wide, too.

Jammin'

2010-05-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

What I been doin' lately -- for real -- in a jam kitchen that's been around since the early 1900's -- a magical place on the edge of a wildlife and nature preserve -- yeah! I be jammin' -- how good can life get? Oh yeah, try working in a flower shop up the road, too -- with a great couple -- yeah, that's how good life can get...jammin' -- oh yeah, I hope ya like jammin' too...

DSLR

2010-05-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I wanted a DSLR like "everyone else" had, so I finally bought a brand spankin' new Nikon D60 last June. Funny thing is, while I've used it a bit, I don't use it as much as I thought I would. I am a bag lady who never goes anywhere without a notebook and pen, something to read and something to knit. I am apt to forget my purse, which I've managed to trim down to the ~~smallest~~ medium-est Baggalini, but I rarely leave without a notebook. Or my mug of tea, for that matter. Unlike my camera.

The journey to my camera started with a tiny seed of desire back when Superhero first got hers. It waxed and waned for years until I just finally went for it. And quite frankly, like much of what we think we really want, it was rather -- anticlimactic.

I mean, yes, I felt cool, walking around with my professional looking camera (it's really not, well yes it is, professional looking, but it's easy to use, trust me). It takes great pictures -- yes, IT takes great pictures. Me, I just snap away. Because as has been said, the only good camera is the one you use. It's not really about the camera.

And I'm not really interested in learning to use the DSLR. I've never been very good with too many choices -- they overwhelm me. And everything moves so fast these days, especially our lives. I can't keep up. I try to cram everything in fast, just in case I miss something. Crazy thing is, I'm always gonna miss something. That's life. And do I care about ev-er-y - lit-tle - thing - I'm - go-ing - to - miss? Truthfully? In the grand scheme of my life, yes and no. But, that's life and it's another post (that maybe someone else can write?). Personally, I want to get over the things I feel I've missed and move on. Beyond stuck. So, for me it means letting go of anything extra that doesn't serve who I am and who I want to be. I've been hauling vintage sewing notions, craft supplies, clothing, housewares and more off to the swap shop, but some things I have to just plain sell, my camera being one of them.

If you're in the market for a barely used, like new Nikon D60 totally set to go (including a case, the Tamrac Express Bag 6 in Black)), have I got a deal for you (without giving an exact quote it's well under $500 and a bit over $400). So email me at michelleshopped at gmail dot com if you're interested. Because I'm trying to follow rule number one of Gretchen's Happiness Project and that rule is be yourself -- Be Patricia (makes sense that it would be the first step to being happy). So, first up in eliminating what isn't Patricia is the camera (plus I could use the money). Because my way of connecting and seeing people is through language rather than a lens. Because I'm Patricia. At my new job the other day, I said to my boss, "for me, it's really not about the job, it's about the people." (Translated to mean, it's really not about the camera or the clothes or the house or the...it's about the people. Something else I've learned about myself).

A Different Path

2010-05-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

It's not a path that's new to me, it is the one I eventually return to when I've had enough. Enough of my dark night of the soul.

May -- a new month, the month of Mary, of mothers, of flowers, Beltaine, soft blooms, and new beginnings all staggered according to genus and species. Mine will be staggered according to mood, inspiration and whimsy. Just finished the book The Happiness Project, and I gotta say, I liked it. It got me thinking. About changing my attitude. Which can be slow going when past demons start licking like tiny flames at past hurts that still aren't resolved. There's a saying, sh!t or get off the pot. I've been in this spot before (the stuck spot), and I've turned it around. It really does work. Changing my attitude I mean. And it does seem to change my life -- open up more doors, more possibilities. I'm all for my woo woo therapies, and what have you, but sometimes I just need a good (and swift) kick in the arse.Sometimes tenderness and tolerance, time and so on are in order. But enough is enough. It's time to start my own happiness project. And honor divine inspiration when it hits me. And it does hit.

**photo of bicycle in Thatcher Lane, Yarmouthport courtesy of my writer gal pal Diane...

Writing Practice for Rhoda Jane

2010-04-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

Grief is a howling hollow echoing in my belly.

Unlike depression which is just an empty hole.

It's my mother telling me her stories of sorrows, loss and longing,

by the glow of her cigarette and the dim light of late night TV,

as she lies on the couch, me on the floor next to her,

because she's too scared to sleep in her room alone.

While my dad's in Vietnam,

I keep her company.

Millbillies and the Mainstream

2010-04-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

I keep putting off this post but every week that goes by I want to write something for Siobhan. I have never watched American Idol except in occasional blips when my daughter's had it on telly.
When I have caught it, I find it to be a rather cruel show like many of these competition shows seem to be.

That being said, last week was glorious and sunny, and I decided to finally get out and take photos of all the banners around town supporting Siobhan. At the vet a few weeks ago, my son, John and Susan (our vet and his wife) were reminiscing about the high school days when Anthony would be jamming in the basement with Colin, Rory and Mike, while Siobhan ran around upstairs chasing Colin's younger brother Miles. Molly came home from school one day in high school and said to me, "remember Anthony's friend, Rory? you should hear his sister sing -- she should be on American Idol." And so here she is today, a big girl on American Idol. Marching to the beat of her own drum. Which is very hard to do in our culture with more "I don't get you Simons" out there than "this is who I am Siobhans."

Perhaps Simon would "get her" if he knew the context of this place called Cape Cod, where Siobhan is from. I left for almost twenty years, and when I came back I felt like Rip Van Winkle. Many of the players were older but they were the same players running the show. And when they weren't the same, it didn't matter -- it was still the same act, just a different face and name. Sometimes, I feel like an outsider here among the SUV and hydrangea painting fans. But there is an underground offbeat culture that permeates the backside of this peninsula and that is where I feel most at home. I've found it through music, dance, nature, offbeat cafes and other venues of creativity. I seek the subculture out as best I can.

There's a dusky mauve Cape in Marstons Mills with a big banner for Siobhan in the yard -- possibly her house, as it looks like a house that has lots of kids and energy (she has about 5 siblings). It's a burst of magic in the midst of the mediocre. Many years ago, when I first saw her dad at one of the boys' concerts on the town green, I was thrilled to see a long-haired, tattooed sleeves guy (also a musician). The whole family is a quirky, talented and creative blend of renegade Cape Cod natives, something I've sorely missed. It's good to still find it here.

** You might have to click on the collage to see the whole thing...

Shifting Gears

2010-04-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

Uphill, downhill, do you shift up or down? I never really knew so asked Marty today (it probably wasn't the first time and won't be the last). Tried it like he told me and it worked (meaning the chain didn't fall off as in times past). Kind of like life, aye? Sometimes you gotta ask when you don't know and sometimes you gotta just try. Oh yeah, and ride.

Humor and Strength

2010-04-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

"I used to be Snow White but I drifted."
~Mae West

(just to let you know I'm still here)

Evelyn Speranza

2010-04-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

I love the last name -- it's Italian -- Old North End Boston Italian -- and it reminds me of the Spanish word for hope. I like to think this photo is from her days in Bohemian Provincetown where she waitressed after graduating high school and before she went to Art School. I miss her. I want her to know she is not forgotten. I think sometimes we want to be remembered beyond our family and friends. Remembered by the big wide world. But maybe family and friends are enough.

Books, Movies and the Characters

2010-04-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Maudecloth by blackdogfinds on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
Petticoat Junction Dress in Bobbie Jo-Mod Retro Indie Clothing &..., $105
Warm and Cuddly Coat-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $150
Sunny Disposition Trench, $85
Elegance in Bloom Headband-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $25
Sheen Style Socks in City Chic-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage..., $12

A favorite movie was Harold and Maude (seen it about three times), above info courtesy of Black Dog Finds. I'm on a quest. haven't figured out what it is yet, but I do know I'm on a quest.

Private

2010-04-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided to make my blog private for awhile -- haven't been posting much and am deciding what sort of direction I want to go with it. I put the photo of Julie Arkell up just to make the post pretty ;)

She's a favorite artist -- last I heard still with no email and no website! Can you believe it?

Self-expression and Creativity through Personal Style

2010-04-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy Joy Joy! I've been following the blog Advanced Style recently and find it such an inspiration to my spirit.

Checking out Upper Case Magazine last week, I discovered a link to Advanced Style and am hooked. It's about time!

Occasionally the Sartorialist has a cool older person who's fashion sense inspires me, but Advanced Style focuses on just that! It's the Sartorialist for those of us women (and men) of a certain age who enjoy expressing our creativity through fashion, or perhaps just because we want to.

2010-03-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

...because we all have our stories to tell. Share here.

** Photo Source from The Kitchen Sisters Flickr page.

Greetings

2010-03-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

Surprise Visit from katie sokoler on Vimeo.

The joy, pray you don't ever lose it...this made my day from one of my new inspirations.

SLRA sisters: think we'll be one big pile o' happy academy girls in June?

Searching and Sharing

2010-03-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Been more offline these days than online -- my eyes were getting a bit buggy as I was getting too deep in a virtual world again. I crave strong, visceral, real time connection and it is just so damn hard to find these days. I don't take it personally -- I just realize many people are not in the same place I am and aren't yet ready to make real time connection with people a priority. This is not a criticism either. I haven't had a steady job for about a year now and when I did it was not pleasant (a synchronistic, supportive boss is huge in the world of work). Work or kids in school or church and so on all provide a social structure in which we can get our people fix. Take away that structure though...and we struggle to find (or create) connection. I haven't given up on trying to create connection. I've been deep in Po Bronson's book What Should I Do with My Life? and Carol Lloyd's book Creating a Life Worth Living.

I've also gone back to a project I had started before my retreat adventures. It's a Cape Cod Survival Guide I had started writing -- it's for when the bridge isn't an option. Many people totally get where I'm coming from with this book as they have experienced the same frustrations living here that I have. Especially, after living in a more open-minded, progressive place (for me Vermont, for someone else Brooklyn, Portland or California, and so on) that can crack the word possibility wide open for those of us who are seekers. I suppose this has nothing to do with the video I'm sharing here today (or perhaps it does, I'm just too lazy to make the connection at the minute). It's via Laura via Marlene and I love it. As a scribe with an editor's keen eye, I noticed the typo right away, but I couldn't let that oversight stop me from sharing the work here.

And besides, isn't there some sort of philosophy that sports the notion that in every creation there should be one thing slightly wrong or off? So that it's not perfectly perfect in every way?
Unlike Mary Poppins.

Gray Days

2010-02-25T04:45:00.001-08:00

No, not the weather. Cool, huh? From here.

Leave it to London...I'm still dreaming of the underground cable TV show I'm envisioning. A take on Ab Fab meets Wayne's World.

And totally f***ing awesomo -- discovered it yesterday via Dottie Angel (thanks Corinne for reminding me about Dottie!). Art, Culture and Education -- yay, ACE! Three things that rock my world!

Reality Blogging II

2010-02-24T06:16:00.001-08:00

I had another photo edited for today's blog but a friend sent me a whole slew of forgotten photos and this one got a guggle (a cross between a giggle and a chuckle), so this one it is.

Today's a much better day --A. (my boy) stopped by unexpectedly last night and stayed for dinner and catching up. I haunted various artisan chocolatiers on the the web and checked out their blogs (my latest fantasy is to have a wee artisan chocolate business, do an internship with one I admire, or at least attend this).

Needless to say, between my kids and chocolate daydreaming, I can perk up pretty quickly (just have to switch the thinking from brooding to daydreaming mode). I finished the eve with Marty, watching the rest of 1949's Golden Earrings, a super B grade movie with Marlene Dietrich and Ray Milland, the last on her Glamour Collection. They've all been far-fetched but fun to watch.

And as Jen mentioned in her reality blog post, if you ever feel perhaps uncool, unpopular, geeky, a misfit -- don't worry. George's photo above can give one hope.

Reality Blogging I

2010-02-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

Reality blogging -- I like that (as long as it doesn't become a television show). So let's see, the hair on my legs is getting so long that it was blowing in the breeze this morning (I was wearing cropped pants for my morning walk). I made macaroni and cheese, tofu curry, veggie-bean soup and brownies already today...because I had all the ingredients for them and they'll last for many meals, thereby stretching the food budget (saving money while eating yummy food, some of it from local farmer's markets, perks me up).

Went to Swirly's site today and found a link to a David Foster Wallace speech that made me feel a little better about regrets I still need to let go of.

(I'd been crying this morning, the first time in a long time, for not having a home for my 19 year old son when I moved in with Marty, for not having my own home for a long time period). Oh yes, pity party here. January's not the darkest month for me really -- it's usually around mid-February through late March/early April that I go into my funk. Jen's black and white photo of a NYC park soothed my soul a bit.

De-cluttering the other day, I discovered some apple-picking photos from when Anthony was about 15 or 16 and Molly about 5 years younger (you do the Math, my brain's in language mode at the moment). Seeing how close they were, what an awesome big brother Anthony was, and what a little trickster Molly could be always brings a smile to my face. Hmmm, so maybe this reality blogging is okay. In the darkest days of winter for me, I've managed to find some bright spots. The perkier days of April should be just around the corner.

Story

2010-02-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

We sometimes search for an entire lifetime, and perhaps never find our true love. Not necessarily a person either. In my case I was lucky, I found my love in not just one lifetime, but in two. When I met her in this lifetime, we already knew each other so well, we just picked up where we'd left off previously, and many times we didn't need words to communicate. We could read each others' thoughts when we were together (and sometimes when we were apart).

She died when we were in our late twenties, and that was the first time I knew the raw physical ache of emotional, psychic loss -- and I howled, keened, beat myself as the deeply grief-stricken do. I pulled through to the other side, as she was pulling through to the other side. We still communicate wordlessly to this day as we once did a long time ago.

To Dreams and Miracles

2010-02-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

"The dream was always running ahead of one. To catch up, to live for a moment in union with it, that was the miracle."
~Anais Nin

Decisions and Destiny

2010-02-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, I feel free -- of BEAR. It was smothering me. The process was great, but the lack of reception wasn't. I feel a surge of hope though. That the path led me further along the way to my dreams, my self, who I am, my destiny. Destiny and destination -- one and the same or two different beings entirely? What do you think and which one becomes who you are?

This is what I ask myself. My gut tells me I become my destiny. That they are not one and the same, but are they two facets of the same coin? Again I don't know. I've always been a know-it-all for various reasons (one being I am a voracious reader), yet I truly love asking questions and hearing others' answers. It gives me more insight, and it's how I get to know you. Can our destination change our destiny? When we change our destination, does the destination change our destiny?

Life's decisions. I have made heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul-searing decisions in the past (some that can never be undone, some that are not undone easily). This was not one of them and for that reason I am grateful.

She's BookNut007, Who Are You?

2010-02-04T09:21:00.001-08:00

In my journal Saturday, I created a persona for a blogger I've become friendly with and it reminded me of Mia's and Stephanie's workshops. And got me thinking about my own goddess self and who she is. As I watch 1930's movies, read female writers of that era, and reflect on my grandmothers (one born in 1899, Gardiner, Maine; the other born in Doon, County Limerick in 1905), my goddess persona is beginning to reveal herself to me. But I'm not ready to share her yet. So I'll share this other femme fatale --

Booknut007 is her handle. Definitely "Film Noir", trench coat, Chanel Red Lipstick, and truly espionage worthy. Complete with fedora (and an engrossing paperback stuffed in her pocket). She has one of those mini-cameras I always wanted as a child. Slim as a lipstick tube. Hey wait a minute! It is her lipstick tube.

She drinks a lot of coffee, but is particular about her joe -- it's gotta be the original (like her) that got the trend started in the first place -- Dunkin' Donuts. None of the fafa stuff for her. Good thing, because her contact is also a DD fan and what better place for clandestine meetings -- easier to blend into a mob scene and it's a rare Dunkin' Donuts that isn't a mob scene.

Her handle is scrawled across her lower back in a sensual script from bygone letter writing days circa 1922. Her only tattoo. One is enough and it says it all. Booknut007. Watch out!

Me? I can't drink coffee so I'm envious of that Booknut chick. Oh yeah, I can drink decaf, but gee whiz -- decaf is my Shirley Temple to her Jack Daniels. No, I drink tea. Chai to be exact. Think Rumer Godden, Passage to India, saffron, Kipling, elephants and monsoons. Mystery, magic, life and joy living out loud even in the face of despair.

The tattoo? Don't got one. Still haven't figured out where I can hide it from Marty (he abhors tattoos). So I have the pierced nose. And I dig Mehndi in a big way. More India. But that's all I got for now -- what you got??

** photo attributed to this awesome site -- it would be the UK natch!

LOve BoMB BEAR

2010-02-03T08:22:00.000-08:00

Made a few changes to the retreat which you can find here and here and here. So if you've ever thought of creating your own love bomb, everything's in place for it, just get your group together and we can make it happen!

The BIGGEST changes are:

1. BEDS are NO LONGER SHARED, they are all individual

2. Spots are limited to 12 on-site participants

3. I am considering offering a small number of spots to commuter participants -- cost to be determined, and it would include lunch and workshops both Friday and Saturday

4. COST for on-site participants has been reduced to $450. inclusive

** image from here, copyright 2007 Susan Eleanor Boulet Trust (one of my favorite cards in my deck and very apropos for me at this time).

Ground Hog Day

2010-02-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

"Let's get small."
~Steve Martin

There's a great movie Bill Murray did years ago called Ground Hog Day about a schmuck of a guy who has to relive the same day (Ground Hog Day) over and over until he learns to act decent. It's kind of how this whole event organizing process has been. (Minus the schmuck learning to be considerate).

And I think after going round and round over different details, I may finally have it right. Still working out some of the changes, but some changes mean I'm paying attention to Steve's suggestion: Let's get small. So I'm working on some reductions -- in the fee, the number of participants, and possibly the number of classes. Reducing the number of participants means beds are all SINGLES. That's right, no shared beds.

I mentioned early on that it may turn in to more of a love bomb event -- stay tuned, more news in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I'm loving revisiting the SNL gang.

Just Another Manic Monday

2010-02-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

It's always somethin'
~Roseanne Rosannadanna

PIMA. Pain in my arse. Figured I'd do my taxes today online like I did last year. Should be simple since my income barely registers on the poverty scale, right? The job I was "let go" from in the fall paid me with a 1099 instead of a W-2 which complicates things slightly. Add to that a couple of small retirement funds I cashed in for living expenses, and blah -- yuk!

Finally gave up and have decided to go to the IRS for help doing my taxes this year. After spending most of the morning struggling with two different e-file programs and accomplishing zilch I am a bit grouchy to say the least. Especially when I look up and it's already 1 bloody o'clock! So much for Mondays and accomplishing anything. I could just sign off now but while I'm on a roll grouching why not continue? (Because I'll regret it -- so I won't -- I'll get over it).

But it's now February 1st and the 20th is the deadline for BEAR registrations. Funny thing is, while I love the whole retreat path and would so love for BEAR take off, there's a part of me that's okay if it doesn't. One thing I've learned through feedback that I wasn't sure would be a problem or not (it appears to be) is the shared beds. And that's okay because I wondered about it myself. But Overbrook's such a beautiful spot, and while I've seen other retreats with shared beds fill up, I also recognize that I am not a known persona yet, a proven "winner", or whatever you might call it. And I'm okay with that too. Getting to this point where I can share it here is rather liberating. I'm not feeling so self-conscious anymore.

Some things I've learned for me:

1. establish a large enough platform for yourself first that can support your endeavor (a dedicated blog following, a book, a reputation so to speak, something that lets people feel like they're getting to know you and lets you know they are resonating with you) before you start shooting your mouth off

2. try to determine whether you're the star or supporting cast (I found this out partway into the process -- while I loved doing the work of setting everything up, I'd just as soon let someone else have the glory or take the fall (I'll be there to catch them, I'm strong like that).

3. If it's an overnight venue, single beds are preferable.

4. Scheduled dates: make sure there's not another well-established retreat already happening

5. This I've said before: putting together a wee retreat like mine was a hell of a lot of work and time -- I've learned Squam is one of the biggest retreat bargains out there, so if you want the biggest bang for your buck and you're into restoring your spirit, soothing your soul and mucking it up creatively, then I say: "Get thee to Squam!" Registration begins today.

V

2010-01-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

"Comments on blogs are the life-blood of the medium. They tell the blogger you are looking, liking, wishing for more. They encourage and give the pat on the back that can come from a relative, but is so much more honest from someone who didn't wipe your tears away when you fell and skinned your knee. Comments are like little presents to receive and open....after posting I can't wait to see if someone will respond; I've made myself visible to you, I've invited you in. What do you think? Comments are the barometer of what we are sharing, and often--if not always--with art, that means our hearts." ~ Karen Otto, February 2008 ~

Found the above quote on Bird Tweets blog about page when I popped over after reading her V n' V post --- hmmm, that V just made me think of all the great "V" words out there from vagina to victory. Oh, and vamp. Love the word vamp. What are some "V" words that you love in this season of Valentines? (I know it's risky putting that one "V" word out there -- I might just get kicked off from Facebook for that -- kind of silly that some things can be shown but not spoken, aye?)

** fuzzy photo from Bawlmer's 2007 Honfest -- got a whole lotta pink goin' on there -- think pink! Isn't it the color of peace?

The Ruby Slippers

2010-01-26T08:35:00.000-08:00

"Our soul is about the process while our ego is about the product."
~Julia Cameron

Laura's reference to Julia's quote synchronized with what I had read in Petra's post about process and product the other day. In the midst of writing and rewriting a comment to her post, I checked my email to discover an email from Christine Rathbun, a spoken word performer who was unavailable to teach at Bear because she has another performance debuting that weekend.

Turns out we have a mutual friend, Diane Hanna, who is teaching at the retreat. And Christine was inviting me to join her in February at O'Shea's open mic to present my work. Which brought me back to Petra's post about her first photography show. Because this would be my first performance sharing my writing through storytelling, a path the sweetest Jen Lee inspired me to follow. (Incidently, Jen is hosting another retreat in April with this teacher, someone I hope will teach at the November retreat, along with Christine, Antje and a couple of others).

Petra mentioned how much she loves the actual doing of her art, rather than the results of her effort, something I can totally relate to. I love process, pulling things together, all my varied interests -- people, food, places -- but once I get them all together I'm at a loss as to where to go from there. Because, like her I've had my fun, and I get bored doing the same thing repeatedly. Which is why the retreat's a little different for me. Each time can bring together different people, different processes, different ways of being in the world and so on.

I like that process is so important because it's my favorite part. But once I reach my goal, I'm usually ready to try something else. I get bored easily, I like constant change, movement. But I haven't reached my goal with this yet. Or have I? I've said from the very beginning of this process that I wasn't sure where it would all lead or what I would learn from it or even if the ultimate product was an actual retreat or if it would morph into something else. I started out creating this retreat simply because creating something like this is play for me. I have a ball doing it -- connecting with people, traveling, checking out chefs and menus, meeting new people, and doing the proverbial pig in sh*t dance I do whenever I get near anything to do with expressive arts, the soul, tools for gaining deeper self-knowledge, the collective psyche and just plain hanging out with kindred spirits. I like the many twists and turns a path can take.

Unexpected adventures arise. And reading the Julia quote and Petra's post reminded me that this is why I am one of those people who hasn't yet figured out what to be when she grows up, what to do with her life, what her calling is. I have so much fun with the process, I forget about the original product. And I've been realizing, what if the retreat doesn't end up being the product after all? What if most of it's about journey, in my case, my journey home? To myself. Who knows?

I do know that while originally I wanted to offer a retreat scholarship, I realized it would be more fun to do pledges to favorite causes. It's a way of nurturing the social justice activist in me. Like Petra wrote about her photography show, she doesn't really like framing her work or promoting it. Ditto -- me neither. But what is fun for me and is something else I've always wanted to do (besides creating retreats and other ways for women to gather) is to play philanthropist. So, I've mentioned the Uniform Project before and I'm going to mention it again. Books, schools, kids, India, I love it all. My goal now is 20 retreat registrations by the 2oth of February, the deadline I've set for making a go of this retreat project. If I meet that goal, I have told Jessica at the Uniform Project that I will write a check for $600 (the cost of attending the retreat) to the project. And then I can look forward to moving ahead with the November retreat and another cause.

Cougar Crone-icles

2010-01-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

...is what I wrote in a letter to myself this morning...craving a certain community of women, some peers...for this tween stage of my life...past the "mommy club" days but nowhere near "done" yet...don't get me wrong, I miss those years and through my younger friends can enjoy them vicariously...but I know it's time for me to move on, not hyper-focus on my kids as I once did (and like my mother still does)...and once again, the gift of a younger community that is shutter sisters has given me another gift today...Vision and Verb...I cannot wait to explore it further...Yes!

Smitten

2010-01-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

A Message From The Kids from The Uniform Project on Vimeo.

I am totally in love with the Uniform Project. Maybe it's this time in my life when I just want to return to my roots (Diary of a Catholic School Girlhood coming soon. Follow the project here.)

Found when I fell down the Facebook rabbit hole a few weeks ago trying to figure out how to set up an event page.

Lucyyyyyyy!!!!!

2010-01-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Been laying low lately here in blogland, feeling overexposed -- in that foolish way I do when I forget my friend Mary's words so many years ago: "I'm a star in my own play and I'm the only one watching it."

About this BEAR thing. It's kind of had me freaked out -- the marketing piece and the lack of response. I remind myself to pay attention to my creative process and I realize, number one: I always waited til the last minute for everything. Like when I got married -- my shotgun wedding, you know?

Today, I reached out for some marketing advice, and I didn't have to go far -- my own backyard, so to speak. I'd met Beth at Melissa's shop for Handmade for the Holidays back in December, and finally emailed her for help -- her response was almost immediate and her tips were awesome! So, I'm feeling better. Then I called Kofi, the farmer I'm renting the space from to update him.

But for a while, rather than reaching out I've been hunkering down with my monkey mind, the gremlins and my journal. Trying to talk myself out of doing this retreat -- I'm not the person for the job, I can't pull it off, I haven't allowed enough time, don't have a large platform (i.e., readership -- that much is true), don't have the experience, can't do it by myself, yadayadayada...I'm not the person to deliver this experience for people. I'm merely a servant -- I'd rather be a servant, someone else's sidekick.

See, I'm paranoid that I'm a fraud -- I don't have the money to front for the deposit, I don't want to disappoint Kofi or Erin (they'd love to see Bay End used for more events like this), and I don't want to let my teachers down as they are amazing and deserve the opportunity and space to share their works and wisdom. (But, I'm breathing easier now after talking to Kofi -- there's still time.)

I've always been better in a support capacity. I'm Norton to Ralph's Kramden, Lucy's Ethel. Barney Fife, Deputy Sherriff, Mayberry RFD. I don't want to be the star of the show, the leading lady. I much prefer supporting her, I can be a best supporting actress. So what I want to know is, where the hell is my Lucy??!!

Haiti

2010-01-15T07:01:00.001-08:00

Listened to Vance Gilbert on WUMB yesterday while driving to get my daughter. He's doing a show at Club Passim tomorrow night, January 16, 2010. All the proceeds from sales of his CDs at the show will be donated to Partners In Health. When we feel helpless, (or self-absorbed, embarrassed, blessed) sometimes all we got is music.

Following Jen's Lead

2010-01-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

ATM: Always Trust Magic from WBEZ on Vimeo.

Putting it out there and being brave like Jen (with a copy of an email i sent this morn) --

"thank you for that offer mccabe but no need -- what i'd love is when people do blog posts with links to likes (stef did one the other day called "offerings"), if bay end art retreats speaks to them then do a quick little whatever -- nothing grand and nothing singling me out (i'd be too self-conscious otherwise), and nothing that's not sincerely shared (i don't want obvious pimping, that would be embarrassing)...

it's kind of fun being so honest with someone -- especially someone i consider to be one of the "in" crowd out there in blogland, a rising star so to speak ;)

...but your offer was great because it gave me this idea -- to just ask for something small like i just did you! ;)

so i'm gonna start asking

xoxo
p

p.s. i once had an orange cat like the san fran cat -- ken the cat (my 2 y.o. son named him and we had a golden book called "charlie" about another orange cat that i used to read to him regularly :)
good ol' ken, a fruitcake if there ever was one -- after two years, my allergies became so bad that ken went to live on a lovely country farm and left us behind in the city -- hangin' out on a farm must've been a superb delight for a cat like ken --

Hope for Haiti

2010-01-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

Got a little sidetracked today -- between Apartment Therapy escape and Haiti. It's Haiti that's got my heart though.

Please click on this link ( various organization from all walks of life) if you'd like to donate to Haitian eartquake relief efforts. Haiti is the poorest country in our neck of the woods, the photos are even more heartbreaking when you realize how grindingly poor they are and then to face this tragedy on top of it. Don't discount even the smallest change -- like one vote, I have seen pennies make a difference if only for a day.

Joe

2010-01-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

Today's my Joe's 16th birthday. I've already taken him for the birthday walk and plan to get him a lovely beef rib at the butcher's later today. I've had him since he was 6 weeks.

When my wasband (rhymes with husband, it's my hairdresser's term) moved out, A. was 10 and M. was 4. It was time for a dog. Basically, I swapped one Capricorn for another.

A. wanted a golden retriever, M. wanted a poodle. Believe it or not, Joe was a compromise. When I drove up to Milt'n (I won't share any Milt'n jokes here, but real Vermonters know them well) to fetch Joe, it was early March and there was still plenty of snow on the ground. I drove way out over winding roads through East B*mF*ck, feeling like I was going deep into some hole I might never return from. I did -- with Joe. It was a toss between him and his sister -- a black and white version of him.

I do wish I'd gotten her, too, and had I realized female dogs can be easier than male dogs, I might have brought her home instead of Joe. (I also learned that an only dog can be a lonely dog). But no, I brought the Joemeister home.

A beagle mix with some tawny golden spots (if I stretched my imagination) and he was half poodle -- if you can believe it. Apparently, around the time he and his sibs were conceived, his beagle mom had been spied cavorting with a poodle. I believe in the poodle dad for all the times I've caught him jumping up at the counter to pull various treats down (birthday cakes for one), or on the dinner table getting into the butter. When I took him to the vet the first time, I was told "he isn't a highly trainable dog, but he's got a lot of love to give." Got that right. He does. We could learn so much from dogs.

Even people who aren't dog people end up loving Joe, he's such a personality. When my cousin, an avowed cat lover, visits, she gushes "Jo-oooo-e, isn't he cute?" (the first time she said that was shortly after the table incident with the butter -- and that was when he was about 14). The dog ate my homework excuse? Teachers, please, that could very well be true.

Needless to say, as he ages, I have had some scares (I really thought he was on his way out this past fall), but lately he's been as gung-ho crazy as ever. There's a blog I occasionally visit, and the first time I did, Michelle was worried about her 15 year old pooch, Duncan -- it was around the same time I had my Joe scares.

I don't know how I ended up on her blog yesterday, but I was sad to see Duncan was gone. I don't believe there really is any one word big enough for the big feelings of deep love and deep loss. So I'm not even going to try -- but sweet, crazy Joe -- here's to you, pal! may we have another good year.

The Year of the Blog

2010-01-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

I came here today to write that I finished the website for the retreat, adding Mia Adams and two more classes for a total of 8 to choose from. It's a great group of teachers -- all unique but also synchronized to a similar vibration.

I am finding that the more I stay open and pay attention to what I encounter along my path, the more synchronicity I find. Synchronicity -- Love that word. Thank you Dr. Helen Languth (referred to in this post), and Dr. Carl Jung. Went to Lavender and Limes website today and read of her giveaway. I'd forgotten all about that, I just happen to like her blog, plus she's only a hop, skip and a jump from where I live. I'd love to catch one of her classes at the Learning Connection this month, but evening classes don't work well for me, especially if I have to travel far.

So where am I going with all of this? Oh yeah -- synchronicity -- for me it was Christine writing that this is the year of the blog for her, and setting a minimum of 50 comments to follow through with the giveaway -- smart girl! Good for you! I'd love to do some sort of giveaway regarding the retreat, a 20% discount or some such thing, but it is wise to set parameters.

I have a blog goal this year too, pretty much in synch with Christine's, when she says "...this is the year of the blog for me, I want to spread the word about Lavender and Limes, increase readership and participation, and continue to generate original content. I also want to hear from all of you who visit me but haven't yet commented...take a minute, introduce yourself. I'm not too scary and I won't bite, promise!" to which I say "ditto!"

When I was taking the Mondo Beyondo class back in October, I nearly fell off my chair when I checked my blog stats one morning and saw more than 10 visitors! Double digits! I'm laughing now as I write this because for a while there I was checking my stats daily, but I sort of got out of the habit, so now it's only occasional. Would I like more blog visitors? Hell, yeah! Would I like more comments? Hell, yeah! (except for the rocks, that is.)

** the above photo is what blogs are sometimes about for me -- the sharing and connection...Eileen's one of my longtime friends, Corinne I've known since she was two. She's on her way to Afghanistan via Indiana first, and Eileen's heartbroken. Please send her some love and prayers.

Teachers

2010-01-08T10:45:00.001-08:00

At least one more teacher coming for the retreat, possibly two. Gathering teachers is not as easy as it sounds.

That's been one of the hardest parts for me, besides the marketing. While I am definitely a people person, marketing is not my strong point. Selling, you know? I can sell when there's no pressure, nothing at stake (my pride, definitions of success and so on). I can sell what I love that someone else has made, but not when it's my own. It's that struggle with ego and when to toot your own horn, when no one's even heard it to begin with! But I'm excited to think the final pieces of the teacher puzzle are coming into place.

This process has taught me how much work is involved putting one of these things together -- even a wee one like BEAR. I have tremendous respect for the herculean effort Elizabeth puts into Squam. It boggles my mind. When I saw five retreats listed on her site the other day, I gasped -- and then clicked on her staff page which brought a big smile -- just little ol' her and Peg! How can you not love someone who dreams so big?

I believe in spirit guides, in the energy of a place and in the energy of beings gone before us -- where so of and of whom we channel through our own existence and actions. Miss Alice Mable Bacon and Mrs. Mary Alice Armstrong are very much alive in Elizabeth MacCrellish. When she referred to her climb up Rattlesnake when all was said and done the other day and she saw a sign she's never noticed on previous climbs, that's when I knew.

"To the Aborigines, geography is memory. Every mile sings, every mountain speaks of their ancestors' journeys. Nothing is irrelevant, nothing is lost to death. All things partake of life's spirit and vitality, the land is vigorously alive, unseen forces flourish, and all have a special site (or Dreaming Place) that is a spiritual home for them and their ancestors."
~ from my current bedside book, Deep Play by Diane Ackerman, one of my favorite authors.

** image from my heaven on earth, Owl's Head, Groton State Forest, Vermont

Down the Rabbit Hole

2010-01-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

So...finally...down the rabbit hole that is Facebook. Where I've been lately. Other than doing a website for the retreat. Which is what led me to Facebook -- reading that it's a good marketing tool. Only I got sidetracked from the marketing. Because in the end what this whole retreat is about for me is process and connection. And I am connecting! I've avoided facebook forever even though I've had another account on it for awhile. It was just one more thing -- in addition to a blog -- that could possibly push me further away from my goal of real time connection. Ensnaring me with its wily ways, luring me to spend hours in front of a screen, after I'd worked so hard to wean myself from hours of daily blog reading.

In June 1974, my family and I stayed in a quonset hut on the edge of the Pacific, where we spent our last few days in California, before leaving Camp Pendleton to return to the east coast.
I was used to moving every two years as we were a military family, but as I grew older, it became harder.

I started feeling torn between two places when my father moved us to Cape Cod from Virginia. He was going to Vietnam (hard enough), and I was entering 4th grade. I missed Virginia terribly (all I'd ever really known was the south and military community). Until we moved to Ohio when my dad came back from the war. Then I missed the cape. We came "home" to our Cape Cod house on school vacations and summers. We moved back here after Ohio so my dad could finish college, and although I was glad to be back, I missed Ohio and the friends I'd made there.
Then my dad finished his degree and he received orders to go to California, something we were all very excited about. It was new and different to us. A place I'd dreamed about. But dreams and reality don't always jive.

We moved there when I was going into high school and although it was a small, private all-girl's high school where we were all new to each other, it was still not easy making new friends. I was a shy, sensitive and self-conscious fourteen-year-old. At an age, when breaking into new friendships is especially vulnerable. I missed my friends back "home" on the cape.

The summer between my freshman and sophomore years I went to a Junior Red Cross camp at UCSD that was a lot of fun and opened me up to California and its possibilities. My parents flew me home to Cape Cod for the rest of the summer while they stayed in California with my sisters.

Sophomore year at San Luis Rey Academy was easier as I reconnected and deepened connections made the year before. My first year in a new place was becoming my transitional year, so by the second year I became somewhat acclimated. And attached. Forming tender bonds that I knew could be broken by time and distance when I moved. Still, you do it. Knowing the risk. You make the connections. And form the attachments.

Then a June morning comes in 1974. You say good-bye to schoolmates who are finishing the year without you, and you look back out your car window to watch a shimmery, rosy dawn break over a receding Pacific horizon as you make your way east across desert and a vast continent. You think you'll probably never see those people again, I mean how could you, the world's a big place and how can we possibly keep touch through the years...when those things are going through your 15 year old mind on a foggy California morning, how could you possibly imagine almost 40 years later -- that you'd see dawn break again over your California friends as you greet them on Facebook?

Blue Moon

2010-01-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

12/30/09 Evening journal entry: Blue moon. Low tide. I can tell by the rotten egg smell. Cold clear sunset of winter blues streaking across the ocean's horizon. I am time traveling again amidst the magic of twinkling lights along the Old King's Highway.

We're on our way to sup at the Beehive Tavern. Inside, the wooden booths with high wing backed benches, portraits of early settlers and dim lights propel me further back in time. I haven't traveled this way in years. It's good to go back, and I can't wait to go again.

**Image from here.

2010

2010-01-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Haven't thought of a word for 2010 yet, don't know if I will (I love language and would have a tough time choosing just one).

I have done up a website for the retreat though -- it's still a work in progress There's certain glitches I've hit (losing original content and so on when I make changes) but that's all part of my [steep] learning curve. Squarespace is right on with the support and on a holiday, for goddess's sake. I cannot speak highly enough of their service.

Overall, this ultra-fussy Virgo (6 planets in Virgo!) is totally digging Squarespace. I like my tea just so, the lighting just so, my shoes have to be just right, my pillow just right (Goldilocks had to have been a Virgo), and so on. So, to say Squarespace rocks the big house is an understatement. It's only day 2 of my trial subscription, but I do believe I'm sold, sista!

Words

2009-12-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

My brain is hemorrhaging words lately -- I have books in progress (reading them, not writing them) all over the house and I'm also trying to keep up with some daily writing. Thankfully, I get a wee break today as Stephanie has graciously sent an incredible class description as well as her bio --

I met Stephanie through Pixie, whom I've followed and admired for some time now. Dreaming of Pixie teaching a class someday but thrilled to have Stephanie. She's been encouraging me through my doubts as have the other teachers I have on the agenda and for this I am truly blessed. I believe 2010 is going to be a very good year.

And without further ado (I'm so written out lately, been writing all over and everywhere, time to get back to neglected reading), here's the sensational Stephanie Anderson Ladd in her own words:

Meeting and Manifesting the Triple Goddess, a 2-day workshop facilitated by Stephanie Ladd, artist, writer, therapist

Introduction: The goddess is an eternal archetype in the human psyche. She has shown herself from the earliest days of civilization to modern times and appears in many guises -- in nature, in movie stars and heroines we admire, and within ourselves as we learn to love the divine feminine that we each contain and reflect. The triple goddess can take many forms, such as the three virgin goddesses, Athena, Artemis and Persephone; or Hecate, the triple moon goddess whose three faces represents the new moon, the half moon and the full moon. But for the purposes of this workshop, we will explore the three life stages of the triple goddess represented by the maiden, mother and crone. It doesn't matter which stage you are currently living in the outer world, we all have access to these three aspects and portals of inner vision at all times if we know how to call them forth. In this 2-part workshop, we will both meet and manifest the triple goddess within and honor at least one of these aspects by creating a 3-dimensional shrine and doll to take home.

Day 1 Meeting the Triple Goddess

In this 3-hour workshop, goddess participants will be taken on 3 guided journeys to meet the 3 aspects of the Triple goddess: Maiden, Mother and Crone. Each woman's inner journey will provide them with a unique experience of their higher goddess Self in the three stages that we all have access to no matter what stage we're at in life: the innocent, dreaming maiden; the active, nurturing mother; and the wise, experienced crone. Participants will journal and share their experiences and gifts they receive from the goddess within the circle. Before the end of the workshop, we will construct a shrine, gluing the parts provided so that they can dry overnight for the next day's manifesting.

Day 2 Manifesting the Triple Goddess

In the 2nd 3-hour workshop, we will start with a nature walk and meditation in search of gifts from the goddess to include in our shrine and to use in creating a soul doll or effigy of one of the goddess aspects we wish to honor and work with. Then, goddess participants will play, decorating their shrine with paint, paper, fabric, collaged images and found objects and making a soul doll/goddess effigy to put in their shrine. We will then share our process and outcome with each other and close the circle with ceremony honoring the triple goddess within each of us.

About Stephanie Ladd: I love working and playing with the goddess within each of us, connecting with the divine feminine, and finding ways to manifest these qualities and share them with each other and the world. I am a licensed therapist who works with transpersonal psychology and creative ways of healing from the inside out, using archetypes, symbols, myth, writing and art to gain a deeper understanding of our soul and higher purpose. I have led many workshops and women's groups and bring all of my experiences with Native American shamanism, Jungian psychology, and years of spiritual and psychological exploration to safely and gently guide women on their journey of self-discovery.

I love the photos I've chosen from her site, called Owl and Crow -- both regal (or presidential I first thought, but I like the word regal better) and playful. Welcome Stephanie -- we're gonna rock the goddess kingdom!

Some More Story

2009-12-30T08:46:00.001-08:00

"Reluctant journeys: Do you want to grow a little, push up against your edges, push a little bit beyond your boundaries, your fences? A teacher once told me that it’s when we stretch a bit beyond our edges, push a little bit beyond our comfort zone, we grow a little. Beyond our safety net. The part of us that keeps us protected. Safe. (Uninspired). Bored. Our everyday. If you could push a little bit outside of that, what do you think you’d discover? What would you like to uncover? Set free? A piece of your spirit you’ve held onto tightly out of fear of…what?"
~~(my journal entry from Monday)

Okay, so get to the point (I am my mother's daughter -- there really are no short stories in our lives). About this retreat -- I wrote about the place and some ideas I had here and here.

It morphs as I go along, taking its own shape. There's a quote I love from W.H. Murray that I've come across so many times in my reading that I'm finally paying attention to it. My recent reading of it is from a Christmas present (granted it was from me to me), the book, "Creating a Life Worth Living," and it's from the beginning of the chapter called "The Dive."

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, that chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elemental truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitively commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no person could have dreamed would have come one's way."

So, the dive. On to the nuts and bolts of this retreat. What is it about? Where is it, when is it and so on? It's four days at the end of March 2010, a Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and Saturday, and Sunday morning. Early Spring, moon waxing full. By early spring, I mean "New England style" with ocean effects, meaning bring layers (and maybe an umbrella and wellies). Basically, like New England weather the rest of the year or as Mark Twain said: "give it 5 minutes and it'll change." Oh, and bring some pretty adornments and a longish full skirt that you can twirl in.

I'm not sure how many acres we have to roam, all I know is it's a lot. What with the large organic farm across the street, the state wildlife preserve, and the wooded paths on the property leading over a stream and down to Buttermilk Bay, I'm not letting weather stop me from exploring. Never have. If it's cold, wet and windy, I'll imagine I'm the heroine of some long ago novel (bundled up of course) wandering the fields deep in thought. You can gaze across Buttermilk Bay at the old railroad bridge crossing the Cape Cod Canal. If you're lucky, you might get to see it in action to let a train across. And I'll look forward to getting back to a rambling Jazz-age farmhouse with its great rooms, roaring fires in the fireplaces (tea, cocoa and 'smores yeah!), and kindred spirits to gather with.

What it's about? I imagine it'll be something different for everyone. From others I've read , the retreat experience is different for everyone, which makes it all the more exciting for me. All I can tell you is what it's been about for me so far -- vulnerability, letting go of ego and control, and challenging my fear of commitment. Putting myself out there, wherever there is. But that's not all it's about. It's about growing through an experience that scares me, the process, the connection and the risk. In the end it's about my life and its meaning for me. Creating a life worth living. Connecting and creating community through deep play -- dancing, writing, creating.

My biggest concern has been that many of the beds are shared, but I have learned that most women are pretty comfortable in community -- think Girl Scout Camp, Campfire Girls, Nancy, George and Bess; long ago sleepovers with best friends...

The cost is $600. all-inclusive for food, lodging, and your choice of four classes. In tomorrow's post, beginning with Stephanie, I will start introducing classes and teachers. Registration opens January 1. Please email me at michelleshopped at gmail dot com for the actual registration form or leave me a comment (I am hoping to develop a separate website but for now I'm keeping things simple for myself -- part of committing for me is recognizing what to keep and what to let go of in the process). Updated: January 2, 2010 -- completed website.

A Story -- Part 1

2009-12-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

I used to love talking names with my pregnant aunts, then my pregnant self and friends and even business names with folks birthing a business. I once named a sewing shop for someone -- I was just talking off the top of my head, but she liked the name enough to use it, so the Nimble Thimble opened in Newport, Vermont back in 1980. Still have a thimble and ruler with the name stamped on them.

Personally, I don't like trite, or something that sounds too limiting. For example, even though I refer to my retreat as BEAR, for Bay End Art Retreat, I don't necessarily want to call it that. My first two retreats will be at Bay End, but who knows? I love to travel and may want to create retreats in different venues. So no names that are venue specific. I'm not sure what it will be but something that is wordplay of a sort, branding -- when someone types in BEAR, this retreat will hardly be at the top of the search engines. Now I bet if I googled Squam it would be right up there. Or Verizon, Comcast and so on. So as this dream unfolds, so too, will a name.

Now, go make a cup of tea and maybe grab a snack (I have some salty oatmeal cookies that I love), because I can have a knack for making a short story long. (I rarely write long blog posts because it's hard for me to read other's long blog posts -- too much info on a screen rather than a page can overwhelm me sometimes).

I'm not sure I fantasized about creating women's retreats when I lived in Vermont, but when I moved back to Cape Cod twelve years ago, I mourned my beloved Vermont (I still do). Was I crazy?? What was I thinking? I beat myself up for giving up not only an incredible house, but also a strong support network I'd built of friends and local community. There was always someone I could connect with in person, so important for me. I didn't have to seek hard to find connection when I needed it. A few weeks ago I reread my pros and cons list I wrote when I struggled with the decision to stay in Vermont or leave, I didn't have the distance from it that I do now -- clear as day! -- 2 negatives and 6 positives for Vermont, and 2 positives (one, a job that I left within a year after moving back), and 6 negatives for the cape -- go figure.

I found a wonderful, very cool (and very old) psychiatrist to help me work through parenting struggles, guilt and grief. Her office was in her home down lanes that twist and turn. The bathroom wall was a mural of Lascaux. She turned me on to Jungian psychology, Carolyn Myss (and her book The Anatomy of Choice, to help me come to terms with my choice of leaving Vermont), synchronicity, the Celestine Prophecy and so on. Those books led me to others and I started dancing, too (one of my longtime friends at the library had told me about belly dancing). Katrina, my dance teacher turned me on to more books and resources -- Goddesses in Everywoman, Women Who Run with the Wolves, and more. I was insatiable. I even went back to church for a while -- at a church in Baltimore I heard a priest tell us for the first time about the divine feminine, who was there in the very beginning -- Sophia -- wisdom. I was thrilled to finally hear a priest speak of a feminine power beyond Mary.

Each step I took brought me deeper into a wonderful spirituality and connection I've found hard to maintain over the years, and yet that was what sustained me at that time, brought me joy, made me feel good, and gave me a great community to heal and grow with. The community changed over time, as communities do and with that change it became harder to sustain. I stopped dancing, but never stopped reading. I turned to blogs more and more and found another community, still not enough.

I think blogs are beautiful; they have been lifesavers for me in very lonely, dreary times, but I still long for conscious connection in real time, however I can get it. Finding kindred souls is not easy. Maintaining connection is not easy. It takes time, and many people are too busy with hand to mouth survival to take that time. It's hard, but I do believe it's something we all need -- to take the time.

What I am learning is maybe I need to take the time to be the person to create the connection I seek. And so I begin. Again. More in tomorrow's post.

** the above photo, taken almost 5 years ago, represents a piece of me that's still in Vermont

Soulstice

2009-12-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am, on the eve of Solstice, the tree's been on all day, my shift was canceled and I'm home listening to ESPN's "Around the Horn."
Watching my daughter make several trips into the kitchen for warm Mexican Weddingcakes (my niece's father is Mexican) aka Russian teacakes (my son's girlfriend is Russian) aka nut balls (the rest of us).

On the phone earlier confirming one of the teachers for the November 2010 BEAR. That's right -- November already! I haven't posted much about my process in manifesting this retreat experience, partly because my laptop crashed and this wee notebook Marty got me for Christmas to replace it is taking some getting used to.

But one thing I learned in the process of organizing the March 2010 retreat is: line up your people early! I am blessed this go round as everyone fell into sync with it as I am sure they were meant to. The retreat site has been secured, I had one/half a teacher for several weeks and then all of a sudden within the space of days, I had four more and they're perfect. The chef soon followed (an art school dropout wanting to return to her tribe).

I am enjoying the back and forth with everyone and am looking forward to introducing them (or asking other bloggers to introduce them). I have the registration and info drafted and the instructors are crafting their classes. In the meantime some basic info:

The Name: BEAR Spring 2010 -- Bay End Art Retreat
Where: Overbrook House, Buzzards Bay MA
When: Thursday March 25 – Sunday March 28, 2010
Number Participants: approximately 20

The theme: Art, Nature and the Goddess

The structure: 4 teachers each doing 2 (different) three-hour workshops apiece, 10 students per workshops

The teachers:

Laura Gaffke

Diane Hanna

Stephanie Anderson Ladd

There are one or two more teachers in the works. Come explore your divine goddess nature through art, nature, movement and more in a beautiful natural setting, sharing and enjoying the process with other women.

** image from American Bear

16

2009-12-11T06:33:00.001-08:00

Off to the Pioneer Valley to get my elf today -- for the semester break. The above photo was four years ago when she was 16. Her canine compatriot will be 16 in less than a month. Been out straight lately with my rehab hospital job and catching up on my off days. Not complaining though. I had no income for about 6 weeks and the hours I've been getting are so welcome.

Favorite quotes

2009-12-10T09:46:00.001-08:00

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
~ Brian Littrell

** photo is a couple of local kitchen stars -- Mama Louise and her youngest son, Michael of Il Maestro ~

Overwhelm, Fear and What Ifs

2009-12-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

When my laptop crashed a few weeks ago, I'd been in a fairly regular blog writing groove, but am having trouble lately getting back into the swing of it. Sometimes the thoughts are flying by so fast, I just plain can't catch 'em quick enough. Then there's other days where it's just a struggle -- I'd rather tell than write. Maybe it's the Irish in me and the long line of storytelling history that goes with my heritage. Whatever, here I am today trying to spit something out. Actually, I've been working a lot on the BEAR retreat planning -- every week brings me a little closer to the pieces beginning to come together and fit well. I have almost all the teachers worked out and can't wait to introduce them, I believe I've finally found a chef, and am hoping to start registration by the end of the month. I know, good timing, huh? What with the holidays and all? But still, just gotta go with it and put it out there. Sometimes I get a little fearful and overwhelmed and the doubts creep in -- all the what ifs? One of my mother-in-law's favorite sayings was "ifs don't count." I used to not get it and even begged to differ, but I don't know, sometimes I think she had a point. She had so much wisdom.

** the photo is one of my beloved niece, Mairead when she was about 10 a few summers ago (modeling one of our crazy vintage hats from our site)...remember when you were 10 and the world was still your oyster?

Keeping Up

2009-12-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been busy and lazy -- and just not in the mood to focus on writing blogs (don't mind reading them though). Think it's also because I've been hunkering down at home lately as it gets a wee bit colder, so don't have many adventures to share other than my crazy dreams. Had another one last night -- I was working in a restaurant with Dr. Fleischman from Northern Exposure -- he was a dishwasher. Probably related to one of the episodes I watched last night when he joined the volunteer fire department -- that's the only thing I can think of -- so dish washing hose, firefighting hose? He didn't seem too bent out of shape to be washing dishes -- amazing for his character.

I did venture out to Providence on Saturday, a majorly skanky day -- cold rain, raw, possibility of snow. Met my girlfriend at the Foundry Show which was smaller than we expected but still good. From there we went to the Providence Winter Market which I cannot speak highly enough of -- got a huge bag of organic oats from Maine (love my "rolled oats" for breakfast as my Irish gran used to call them), some Jacob's cattle beans and all kinds of yummy veggies. Had read about a beet and endive salad on a blog Friday -- sounded so good, I found the ingredients in Providence. Afterwards it was on to the delightful Olga's Cup and Saucer, a place I've always loved. About 7 or 8 years ago, after dropping my girl and her friend off at TF Green airport to catch their flight to Florida (which they promptly missed because Mom did not plan for post-9/11 security delays), I had my meltdown at Olga's as I talked to a flight attendant trying to get them on the next plane (Success! Go Southwest -- you are the best!).

Olga Bravo is an artisan baker and RISD grad -- there's all kinds of cool metal work there -- racks, seating and what not -- and back then, before the addition, it had an industrial feel inside (it may have been an old gas station down there in Providence's Jewelry District). It was Valentine's season and Olga had all these cool paper hearts hanging from the pipes. Her place can always restore this weary traveling mama's soul. I mean how can you go wrong with art, tea and scrumptious cookies?

Yikes!

2009-12-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness it was just a dream...I dreamt last night that Tom Brady was my son and Giselle Bundchen my daughter-in-law, and I have to admit I wasn't very welcoming to her. Not too thrilled with him either. On the other hand, as Marty pointed out, having a helicopter pilot in the family would certainly feed my desire to travel the world.

But I much prefer the son I have, and was delighted when I woke up to realize this was just a dream. Still, that helicopter's got me thinking...

** photo of Giselle with her helicopter pilot instructor from Ian Nolan/Splash news

Jewels

2009-11-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

Even though I've already blown my budget on tea and a sponsor ad today, I'm so tempted to totally wipe myself out and buy a necklace from one of my favorite jewelry artisans, JmebyJaime. She uses a lot of precious gems and stones and the weight of her work is lovely. I bought a couple of her bracelets years ago, and have been wearing them a lot lately.

Thought I'd look her up to see if she's still out there creating and she is. Check out her amazing sale!

Etsy

2009-11-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

I've not had anything in my etsy shop for quite some time but thought I'd give it a go again with my latest idea. I love Persephone books but I'm not about to start a publishing company reprinting some of my favorite OOP (out-of-print in library lingo) books, or just plain favorites from my reading history. But I do love books and I do love tea, both of which I also like to share.

So my etsy shop is now a place where I will sell vintage and thrifted, otherwise homeless books along with some of my favorite teas. The catch is of course, trust. The customer trusting that the book I send they will enjoy because I am covering the books with maps and brochures from my travels. So there will be no conscious choice in this other than that someone decides they need a book and some tea (or perhaps a friend needs it), and I am the book lover to send it, so it is sent. I will also have no idea what book I am sending out to someone.

Why? Sometimes surprises are good. And sometimes what appears to be a surprise at the time may prove to be synchronicity. Like maybe there is a particular book someone is needing to read or reread and through no conscious work on my part or theirs, that is the book that appears in their mailbox. The only choices will be around the tea -- and that I'm working on. For now I just have vanilla rooibos. And sometimes I'll probably include a couple vegan cookies for good measure (I'm having a ball creating recipes for them and sharing the cookies). Just because. It's kinda fun, you know?

Thelma and Louise

2009-11-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm off to the library soon before they close for the holiday. Thelma and Louise have been beckoning to me for quite some time. I need an adventure like theirs minus the problems with the law. I think while I'm at it, it's also time to pick up Home for the Holidays for my annual viewing.

Why-tos and wherefores...or something like that

2009-11-24T04:26:00.000-08:00

Actually, I was just trying to think of a clever name for a post. I haven't much felt like writing blogs since the laptop crashed, as this computer just has too much stuff on it (and that confuses me, distracts me and so on from my work, more than the usual internet routine). I also don't like to blog when I'm in pessimist mode.

I've been rather gloomy lately, my mood matching the weather. Intended to edit some photos for my etsy shop, but cannot find or open the files on this computer. Just as well because I need to get out while the day is young -- scoot to Falmouth and possibly Sandwich for some fresh Thanksgiving veggies.

I haven't been totally grousing lately -- still enjoying books, old movies and developing vegan cookie recipes -- low in sugar, high in fiber (trying all kinds of flours but my old unbleached standby). No matter how down I get, I never lose my enthusiasm for simple baking. Maybe it's because of the yummy reward afterwards? My latest experiments -- peanut butter cookies and then gingersnaps yesterday turned out awesome if I do say so myself (Marty, who is Mr. Carnivore himself agrees they are dynamite).

I leave you with my latest polaroid of the Beech Tree, taken this past weekend. It about sums up how I've been feeling -- bare, exposed, worn.

Crash

2009-11-20T04:38:00.000-08:00

My laptop crashed on me the other night and I am hoping it's just the battery. I am one of those foolish people who did not back up her files on a portable hard drive. On the other hand, not having the laptop available forces me to connect with people in real world time and space, and that is always a good thing, though I am enjoying keeping up with some of my new blog friends, and hoping to meet them someday even.

Don't have an edited photo handy and Marty will need this computer soon, so I'm leaving you with a quote from my Simple Abundance reading from today. It's one of my favorites and I quote it often:

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." -Jane Howard

Blank --> Tall Skinny Bitter

2009-11-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

I had a post in mind earlier this evening on our way back from Roche Brothers but by now I have totally forgotten it. Wish I'd noted it someplace but oh well. My -- all of a sudden I realized what it was! My eggnog latte made me think of it! Had stopped at Starbucks earlier to see if they were hiring because I have been bitten by the barista bug. I found the book Tall Skinny Bitter in a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago and love it! It was written by a Northwestern barista, and while they don't like Starbucks, pickin's are slim here on Cape Cod, and I just want to learn the trade. It could be fun, it could be hellacious, but I won't know until I try and it certainly looks fun -- and all the people in the book say it is fun, so why not? AJ, the Starbucks barista I've known for a few years now, was there tonight, gave me an app, and she said it is a lot of fun, so I'll see. Granted, most baristas are half my age, but they'll catch up.

While Amazon's image was better, Sasquatch Books is the publisher. I'm on my way over to request their catalog.

'Til Tuesday

2009-11-17T12:59:00.000-08:00

Today ended up being a good day after all -- yesterday was not -- it was just one of those days I was feeling stuck and discouraged. I think talking to my sis-in-law this morning helped a lot. Stay tuned for her blog. She's a professional organizer but with a twist.

And my sister dropped by some surprise peanut butter cookies along with tonight's supper. I did some grunt work I needed to get done and here I am, Tuesday afternoon, back from a walk downtown, ready to start fresh tomorrow, and looking forward to tonight's movie, the original Ladykillers, with Alec Guiness and Peter Sellers. I fell asleep last night!

But before I sign off for today, head on over to Stef's blog for her giveaway. I love her work and am looking forward to buying some of her photos someday -- I saw them at Squam on the blocks she mounts them on and they are awesome!

**image from Movie Diva

Frida's Fiestas

2009-11-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

I've been checking out some new blogs this week and am trusting that I stumble back to them if it is meant to be as there was a blogger this past week who mentioned Frida's Fiestas and I am thankful she did.

I promptly ordered the book from my library and picked it up yesterday. I have spells where I am all about certain countries -- India is one, and now Mexico is another. I am biased I suppose, one of my nieces is half Mexican and I enjoyed what I could of Mexican culture when I lived in Southern California in the early 70's. Still, this book is a treat, reading about a colorful woman artist like Frida in the context of favorite fiesta foods and celebrations even more so.

I want to learn more now, and the thing I love about Mexico is that it's a lot closer to me than India. Plus I can use my broken high school Spanish if I visit there. A Mondo Beyondo dream would be to live there for say six months and follow the trail of Frida Kahlo for a while. I'm so enamored of her and this book has me dreaming further of how to integrate her into the art, nature and the goddess theme.

Pennies From Heaven and Contemplative Moments

2009-11-13T04:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I spent about an hour and a half sorting through a gallon jar or so of coins -- separating the silver from the pennies. Getting into the rhythm of it was meditative and the time actually flew as I sat there on a cold wooden floor -- I would never have been able to sit so long on such a floor without this strangely soothing activity. By the time I was done, my hands were filthy -- your mother was right -- don't put money in your mouth! My intention was to take the pennies up to the Coinstar at Shaw's and learn how that thing works. Crazy as this sounds, dare I say it? It was actually a lot of fun. Something I would have done with my kids when they were younger had there been such a thing.

My arms are actually sore this morning from lugging the bag into the store and waiting for several minutes behind a man doing the same thing I was doing -- cashing in pennies. It was his first time too. There we were, Coinstar virgins. Waiting was entertaining -- I people watched and watched his pennies tallying on the screen as they went down the chute -- I've never seen a slot machine except in the movies, but I imagine it's something like that.

My turn, and it was very easy -- the 8 cents on the dollar that Coinstar takes if you go for cash is so worth it -- by the time my loot was totalled I had over 3500 pennies! And by the time I was finished there was someone else behind me. The act of gathering pennies though made me realize that the little things can add up, reminding me that no matter how small my steps, how small my days may feel, they are adding up to something bigger and it's kind of fun watching what it all amounts to.

Community

2009-11-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I decided to head over to the get together at Yummy Goods in West Barnstable to check out what was going on for Melissa's Handmade for the Holidays event. I needed to get out and am glad I did. I totally enjoyed it...my sister was there and a friend I hadn't seen in a while showed up. There were lots of knitted donations, lots of knitting going on, plenty of yarn and spare needles, card making supplies and so on so everyone could participate. Checked out all the goodies in Melissa's shop in between chatting and cider, tea and cookies. She even had door prizes (Amy Karol's Bend the Rules Sewing was one), and goodie bags for everyone. The next one is Friday November 21 and I already have it marked on my calendar. It can get pretty dreary and isolating here on the cape during the winter and Melissa's been wanting to start a regular crafting group. She's off to a good start. Thank you, Betsy ('lil 'sis) for letting me know about it, and thank you Melissa and Beth for hosting this!

Dreams, Mermaids, Flowers and Rainbows

2009-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

"What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?"

~~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Yesterday when I needed it most, I saw a rainbow in the distant sky. I was amazed because there had been no rain, but there it was, just a piece, but just enough for me to follow it until it disappeared. I needed its promise of possibility.

Today, I met up with my girlfriend and after tea showed her the beautiful Giving Tree gardens in East Sandwich on the Old King's Highway. We walked through parts I hadn't yet explored too much, both of us crossing the suspension bridge over the marshes. As always, the space there was welcoming, full of grace, hope and dreams. The Samuel Taylor Coleridge quote is from a box in the garden filled with letters to the world written by other wanderers and dreamers. There is a magical pen provided for those of us who dare...to dream and share our dreams with the world.

The mermaid is from the gardens and reminded me of a certain dancing mermaid.

Art, Nature and the Goddess

2009-11-09T06:33:00.000-08:00

As I work on my plans for BEAR (Bay End Art Retreats), I get scared at the enormity of it as I've never done something like this before, only dreamed of it. As I ride with my vision, it is evolving in small steps for me. For example, I am going to try a smaller retreat first (hopefully March 2010), with about 18-20 participants. I now have the theme and what the general art focus will be. We will all stay in Overbrook House, which includes the use of the dance hall. Instead of Wednesday through Sunday, it will be Thursday afternoon through Sunday morning.

Art, nature and the goddess have been my three muses when times have been tough for me. Art frees my mind, nature restores my spirit and the goddess reminds me of how strong I really am.

Pixie's in a different time zone or I would have asked her for permission for a couple of her images. So, I had to take my own of Agnes, who soars in the entryway of our old house. Like me, she's still working on her wings.

Recap of My Week

2009-11-07T05:10:00.000-08:00

"Longfellow believed that situations that call forth our coping abilities are "celestial benedictions" in dark disguises, sent not to try our souls, but to enlarge them."
~SBB, Simple Abundance

My sister gave me SBB's book Simple Abundance many holidays ago, and it really helped me through a soul wrenching year in my life. I don't like to think back to that time because I have many regrets associated with it. Occasionally, I'll revisit Sarah's book, but this past year, I have been reading it daily again. Some of it's trite and I roll my eyes, but much of each day's writings speak to me in a timely fashion, e.g., on a day I need that particular wisdom the most.

Yesterday was a day of doubts, perhaps because I was cold and tired. But overall my past week was a blessed one, full of hope. My daughter sent me Halloween photos (Ky*ko check out the green man), I checked out a magical place on the wrong side of the bridge, and the gorgeous Miriam and I met at one of my favorite cafes in Harwich. That is a post in and of itself as that was another bit of magic in my week -- how generous in spirit the world is if we stay open to it. That's the hardest.

My girl and her sweetie pie roommate -- my kids smiling always makes me smile.

Herstory

2009-11-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

"You can't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been."

This quote popped into my head this morning as I was thinking about how much I love history, heritage, people's stories. Maybe I made it up, but I don't think so. Feeling incredibly inspired lately and even though doubts creep in, I am going to go as far as I can to create a particular dream. (Self-doubt being, "who do I think I am? I'm with Emily, I'm nobody, who are you?")

The dream is an event for late fall 2010, something I've dreamed of for years, and as I watch other people doing this, I think why not me?

The food would all be sourced locally and when possible organic, including dairy, produce, coffee and the fabulous Iggy's breads and such.

The place is amazing, having been in the same family for generations and borders a wildlife preserve. The property is on both sides of the street and you can walk down to Buttermilk Bay from the main house, Overbrook. Kofi and Erin's organic farm, called Bay End is across the street. Kofi's grandmother used to host artists there (Kahlil Gibran for one), and the dance hall was built for his aunt (Kofi's) who was a ballet dancer.

It will be a small retreat (about 30 on-site attendees, 10 off-site nearby), and will be a different kind of art retreat. Many of the beds are doubles, but by the time this all comes together I expect the people drawn to this will be okay with that. I hope to share the development process here in all its bits and pieces as I manifest it, with back-story, more photos and so on. In the meantime, I leave you with a few pictures of the location, the southeastern Massachusetts woodlands on the shores of Buzzards Bay, known as the wrong side of the bridge, the land of King Philip and Hockamock Swamp.

To more photos (my camera battery was dying, my battery was dying -- I saved as .gif files instead of .jpg and my editing skills are minimal, but you'll get the idea of it anyway): 4 bed room, hallway, another view, great room, library, butler's pantry, pantry, to the dance hall, dance hall, red room, blue room, aqua room, another 4 bed room, dining room, with my travel mug, king, queen, space

Time

2009-11-01T06:23:00.001-08:00

For some reason, every year I look forward to Halloween (maybe it's the magic of the season), want to dress up (this year I actually got as far as a costume), reminisce about returning to the Ted Williams Haunted House in Lakeville, and end up feeling disappointed at another Halloween gone by that I haven't seized a new memory for; one I want to save for the archives. And I end up thinking the same thing -- next year. I do this with a lot of things and the hard thing about it for me is that the years keep going by, I don't get the moments back, and I have this thing about wanting to live full throttle, with no regrets, yet I allow things (people, opinions) to hold me back. After reading a Shutter Sisters post this morning, I was reminded of how often I have been able to say yes -- to others; it's time to say yes to me.

Today is All Soul's Day, or Dia de Los Muertos, so I haven't entirely missed the boat for this year's Samhain celebrations, but I do have to create my own. Here in the northeast, we don't have big celebrations today -- as a Catholic, it is a Holy Day of Obligation I have long neglected. But today I will celebrate it in my own way. Lighting candles for my loved ones on the other side, taking a dance class tonight, and exploring ancient cemeteries here on the cape with a friend.

** I think my son's makeup in the above photo is pretty cool for a Day of the Dead look, but I don't think I'll go quite that far today.

How Things Are...or Not

2009-10-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

"We do not see things how they are, we see things how we are."
-- paraphrased from many sources but the original source I saw was the Talmud so I'll stick with that (plus it's easier for me to remember).

As I work on my writing, good or bad, just getting it done (think Portfolio Project), what I write does not always reflect my true feelings. Sometimes what I write is more in the interest of the flow, and how the piece will read -- will it be halting and stumble over just -- the -- right -- words, or will it flow and move over the words lightly, not worrying too much. Will the easy words be the ones that cut those who read too deeply? I hope not -- in the interests of the story, I tend to write lightly, very tongue-in-cheek, and pretty much how I talk (not always good -- I am the queen of foot in mouth syndrome, still learning to think before I speak) . It's kind of like sharing our parenting "horror" stories to lighten them up a bit (considering how scared or angry or embarrassed we were at the time), or our war between the sexes stories (Nick and Nora, Spencer and Hepburn, Ralph and Alice).

That's where the Talmud quote comes in . I could tread very softly, and measure every word or I could recognize this kind of seeing in myself, accept it in others, and not take so much to heart.

** polaroid from my hotel at UMass in September

Canceled

2009-10-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

I'd just finished writing a little thank you in my journal this morning -- for my shift today. A few minutes later it was canceled. My patient died. Canceled. Needless to say I'm actually more bummed out at his loss than the loss of my shift. I was really hoping he'd rally -- he was such a sweetie, an ex-Marine truck driving Korean war vet -- the tattoo (smudgy dark green) always gives those vets away -- a sign of seeing the South Pacific, let's say.

So, what I'd planned on doing tomorrow I'm doing today. Haven't written descriptions for Little Pink Dress in a long time, but if I want to get away from here this Halloween weekend I have to help my man out with his business. Gonna bite the bullet, be a trooper and write about vintage dresses.

Sophie, of the bodacious booty-luscious behind modeled for us Friday. She was great -- totally down with it like I've never seen her before. For an actress she can be shy, but I think California's opened her up in a good way. Now if I can ever learn photoshop beyond cropping and adjusting brightness levels, I'd love to use her pic to develop a logo for Brabarella.

Saturday Night

2009-10-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

Went to see Christine Rathbun's play tonight -- it was last night. I knew that, just had forgotten it. Oh well. Was disappointed but checked out this steampunk music/video/alt art sort of show that wasn't really happening either. Is anyone inspired around here? Drawn towards light and positivity? Excited about what they're creating? They had the right idea with this -- it -- just -- was -- not -- happening.

People, few that there were, orbiting each other, no mingling. I think BC had the right idea tonight, going in the right direction, and who knows maybe by 9:30 they'll be someplace. I know I shouldn't knock local efforts, I must give people credit for trying. Isn't that all any of us can really do? Try? And it's better to try and fail than fail to try. I think I was just disappointed at having missed Christine because I do love steampunk.

Grown Up

2009-10-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

He's actually a grown man now, one I am proud of. I know this, I recognize this -- the time flies and it's hard to believe that he is no longer my sweet rockin' boy. Is this how my parents feel about me -- that I am still their girl even though I am a grown woman of 51?

I am still so smitten with my kids, their charm, their humor, their humanity, the privilege of watching them grow into adults I enjoy being around. I am letting go -- slowly, finding my way back to a life beyond motherhood, but man I cherish those memories like nobody's business.

Happy Birthday, Love!

2009-10-22T11:00:00.001-07:00

Told my son about my mondo beyondo last noc over a lovely and leisurely dinner at Wicked. He misses the sky blue '85 chevy celebrity that was his first car. He doesn't believe it's possible to find another one like it -- thinks they're rare. I think otherwise.
When we first got the battle wagon, he felt like a soccer mom -- most teen boys want the flashy red sportscar that screams to cops "pull me over." He was no exception but he grew to appreciate that car as did I. Safe, reliable, good on gas, reasonable mileage, it had been well taken care of, "a grandfather's car." It's long gone and a long story, but I told him last night I am going to manifest another one for him. I told him I'm putting it out to my mondo beyondo community and whomever else is out there. I want him to always believe in the power of dreams.

Took the above photo when A was 17 and still had the battle wagon (an old print transformed though rollip into a polaroid -- when he saw the pic last noc, he smiled and said "that's an awful picture." Love my kid's straight shooting honesty.)...I am still so in love with my kids -- and he was my first, the apple of my eye, an incredible big brother, inventive, imaginative, a subtle sense of humor, the best son, follower of dreams and a trooper always. Thank you for coming into my world to light my life, babe!

The Giving Tree

2009-10-21T07:27:00.001-07:00

I don’t know if it’s the positivity (is that even a word? Do I care?) of Mondo Beyondo, full on Indian Summer here, connections with friends or what, but I am charged lately. Meaning the crash will come but for now I’m riding the big Kahuna and enjoying it.

I had stopped at the Giving Tree gardens last week before heading home and my cell rang…it was my chum (I like that retro sorta Nancy Drew/Dana Girls word, don’t you? chums are our adventure friends), Sophie. She’s back from California for a couple of months after two years away…we play hit or miss with contacting each other, when something reminds one of us of the other, we give a shout out. Sometimes we connect with a real voice, sometimes we just connect.
I was so surprised that she’d called me…delighted and flattered actually because she’d only been home a day, but she saw Marty out on errands, he reminded her of me, so she called. The call was also very mondo beyondo for me.

Sophie’s one of the bright spots in the Cape Cod world, she gets how small and stifling the cape can be for wild dreamers (Provincetown being an exception, thankfully). More and more I've been paying attention to my call to performance art. Art in time or art in space as Nerissa blogs about (couldn't find the particular post). Maybe create a poetic mystic druid I inhabit for solo productions at festivals, or heck, just busking. Kathryn Rose introduced me to this concept when she performed on the street in Amherst a spring ago. I started researching and started seeing more about one woman performances like The Belle of Amherst.

Sophie’s been in theater now for several years and is an accomplished stage actress (as well as in a Sam Diego’s commercial locally); her call felt like the universe is listening to my whispers. Perhaps she’s my teacher, I don’t know. I feel like the bird in that Dr. Seuss story…”are you my mother? Are you my mother?” only it’s “are you my teacher, are you my teacher?” And I'm still not sure if performance is my thing, or what form it will take if it becomes so. But who cares? It's kinda fun finding out -- like the Nancy Drew mysteries I used to read.

Red Katherine Rose photo from her myspace page

Looking and Seeing (Two Different Things)

2009-10-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

You know how you look and you don't see? Kick it up a notch into mother mode and then you will. When I'm looking for something for myself, I can miss it even if it's in plain sight. When I'm looking for something for my kids (or Marty), I am their St. Anthony. I always find it.

Me -- I've gotta pray to St. Anthony, but he always comes through for me.

"St. Anthony, patron Saint of the Lost and Found, please help me find what I'm looking for."

Football Sunday

2009-10-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Rainy Sunday here on Cape Cod, flood warnings keep coming on in between football games. Right now it's the Pat's and Titans in a snowy Foxboro. It's been a great day, stayed in my pj's all day, working on a flyer for my women's group, making comfort foods and lots of tea, catching up on blogs and so on. Did a bit more decluttering (videos), read a little Mondo, and wrote a sort of poem. I was looking through my latest journal last night and saw my answers to a question:

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd try parenting. (Oh wait, did that already and it wasn't perfect. We all survived for the most part).

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd try poetry.

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd share my work.

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd do radio.

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd launch a local cable TV show.

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I'd do comedy.

I kind of like the exercise, so since I didn't have to do it perfectly I wrote a poem this morning, inspired by Mary, of course.

Gray water pouring
flowing over eaves
through gutters
flooding streets
no fair weather friend, my seasonal water view.

A Georgia Peach

2009-10-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

"Wouldn't it be better for you to discover a meaning in what you write than to impose one?"

-- Flannery O'Connor

The Plain Language of Poets and Troubadours

2009-10-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

I think the reason her words speak so eloquently to so many is because of her plain language. As she said, she likes plain language. Poetry's no fun when it's so lofty and literary that you can't understand it. I think it's similar to why Shakespeare spoke to so many in his day and still does. ("Brevity is the wit of reason").

When listening to Mary Oliver read her poems the other night, it was like listening to a warm conversation, both wild and deep -- full of meaning in its blessedly simple language. (And her sense of humor was totally unexpected and totally cool).

Reading poetry and hearing it spoken are two different experiences. Having heard her read them, her poems spoke to me more clearly. I've read them, of course, but I'm lazy. I'd rather listen to her say the words. Straight, real and to the heart. Unpretentious.

I believe poetry is language meant to be spoken. Perhaps that's why the expression "poets and troubadours" moves frequently through my consciousness lately.

** photo from Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts

On Vessels...

2009-10-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

where my writing's been all these years -- buried in the works of others who spark my soul... and in my life's journey, er, journals (yes, there too)...it's time to let the words out and howl the eternal yes...i am a writer (with a capital "I")....I am a writer! Yes!

...been catching up on Jen Lee's archives (the creator) as well as Blue Poppy's (the curator)...

(Andrea's MB assignment for today was to say yes to something scary -- my something scary is putting it out to you, World).

Harvest Fests

2009-10-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

After reading Stef's post on her weekend with her girls, I thought I'd share a couple harvest weekend shots of my girl -- before she carved her pumpkin...and after...I swear I can see in that pumpkin's face the joy she felt carving it. Something primeval about this time of year...when the kids were little we picked apples, took hayrides into the pumpkin patch to pick pumpkins and so on. I feel rich with these beautiful memories that I can share.

Beech Tree

2009-10-07T05:55:00.001-07:00

This past spring I found a couple of Polaroid cameras, one at the swap shop and one at Morgy's (Goodwill, for 5 bucks). No film but what the hey, I found a source for film too. At my parent's house I found another Polaroid camera, this one with film, including black and white. I love the haunting, otherworldly quality of polaroids.

I walk regularly at an old cemetery near us, lots of old Cape Cod names there -- Nickerson, Hallet, Huckins, Bassett, Crocker, Phinneys, Hinckleys and so on.

There's a beech tree there, probably over a hundred years old. It's gigantic for these parts. Majestic, mysterious, with carvings in its elderly trunk -- I bet it could tell lots of stories.
I've been photographing it occasionally, different times of the day, different times of the year. Have to do my fall shots soon.

No one really plants beech trees anymore. They grow very slowly and everyone wants fast growth these days, myself included. I planted all fast growing trees at my house in Vermont -- I wanted big fast.

I love trees, and this old beech tree speaks to me of history, of a slower time, of someone who wasn't thinking about fast and about their lifetime, but perhaps future generations, of eternity, of eternal connection to others. Or not. But still...

When I look at the beech tree, it reminds me of my dreams and I ask myself questions. Questions like, if we don't plant species or dreams that take a long time to grow, what might the world miss?

(photo was taken 5/25/09 at 2:20PM on a sunny day (I still don't know how to put a little blurb under my images here in blogspot).

Rabbit Rabbit

2009-10-01T04:26:00.001-07:00

This morning was the first I woke up to in a long time and remembered to say "rabbit, rabbit" before anything else...Wrote in my journal that I love October, it's the month of my firstborn's birthday -- then my daughter text messaged me before 8 am with..."Rabbit Rabbit!" Those are the moments that make life sweet.

I know I have to move on with my life as my children move on with theirs but it is a slow process for me. I can only do it in my own time. I had my children young and tend to gravitate towards women with children still.

I delight when I find someone who's childless by choice, or who has older children though. It gives me hope that there is life beyond motherhood. I know that, but still I think some of us women so loved our children, their childhoods, the magic, the wonder, the luck at getting to experience childhood all over again through our child's eyes (because how many of us truly remember the giddiness of our first tumbling steps?), that it's very hard to let go.

So the trick for me is continuing to capture that wonder through my own eyes, hope that my children will never lose the capacity to experience it in their eyes, and continue sharing the wonder with whomever understands what it is I'm talking about.

Try and Catch the Wind

2009-09-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

I've signed up for Mondo Beyondo and still have to do my questionnaire. The past weekend was full as I was in the Pioneer Valley where my daughter goes to school. My brain is still foggy and full of my second solo experience in the valley. Trying to sort it all out.

I found this anonymous quote in the Amherst Starbucks Molly's first September there:

"We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails."

I rediscovered it in my wee journal as I sat in Haymarket Sunday morning before returning to my reality. That one, and this one by Emerson:

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year."

I'm trying, but it's hard sometimes.

The NH Woods

2009-09-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

Years ago I was driving through a part of NH during one of my Vermont camping trips and I excitedly popped off a postcard to my mother, who is from Claremont. She is from the southwest corner of the state, this was the north -- Woodsville and Haverhill to be exact -- the western border along the Connecticut River, across from Vermont's Northeast Kingdom.

"I feel this soul connection, here Mom, yet I've never been here! It's like I know this place." I tried to explain.

Later when I called her and mentioned it again, she snapped, "Well, my grandmother was born there." She gets testy about family history for many reasons I won't go into here. And her grandmother is my great-grandmother, you know?

I have always felt magic in the woods, talked to spirits and worshiped deities amongst the trees since I was a small child. The woods are alive with spirits and they are where I am most at home. And so it was in the woods at Squam this past Saturday.

I only went to the art show but I understand now why it is too hard to write it all out in one post too soon. It is an experience that must be absorbed first, savored, to be shared, yes, but to be held onto before letting it go. Like a spirit in the woods.

Writing Exercise aka Wordplay

2009-09-17T04:24:00.000-07:00

I can hear it in your voice...

blue moon drifting over lazy river...

the dose of melancholy...

dripping silently from your wet skin.

Wondrous Strange

2009-09-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

And so it is my birthday -- 51! Met the charming Jess today at work and it turns out her boyfriend on the opposite coast was a good friend of my son's in their "younger" days. So much to share and so little time to write. Maybe a post later?

**image of jess on mt. hood from rory and jess's blog

History Herstory Ourstory Mystory Yourstory

2009-09-14T04:01:00.000-07:00

About the writing - I have to tell my story. If people want to read it, great. But I have to get it out.

I believe we are all full of stories, and how we tell them makes them interesting or dull. It's not necessarily the story itself but the sharing of it, the sharing of a piece of us. I have always loved stories -- they are how I get to know people, how I look at myself -- through my story. I use words to tell my story. Some people use photography or music, dance and so on. I use language. My story is part of the bigger story of course, our story. My tribe's story. A piece of the world's story. Perhaps a part of your story.

New Year

2009-09-09T04:28:00.000-07:00

September always feels like the beginning of a new year to me. Perhaps it's the harvest, back-to-school year beginning, my birthday month, Rosh Hashanah, SAW, new job -- wait new job?

Yes, I start my new job today working in a photographer's studio downtown. But I am not a photographer, I am a writer and that's one reason I'm working there. She liked my resume -- it wasn't your usual. And much as I enjoy photos, I was not looking to learn photography here, I was looking for work -- that could maybe support some sort of creativity. Sarah (my boss) told me many people would get excited about the admin assistant job, telling her how much they want to learn photography -- but she wasn't looking for a photographer, she's the photographer, she needs an assistant. And voila, along comes a Virgo (our motto is "I serve" per Linda Goodman) to serve. I love support positions, always have. I don't want to be the star, I like being the supporting actress. It's always felt comfortable and right to me.

One...Summer

2009-09-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

"I had one too," she whispered to me.

I felt less alone. She already had four, I had two, the baby a handful at barely one. Rough, drinking husbands.

"I felt so guilty, I confessed," she said.

"I still feel guilty, what did the priest say?"

"He gave me Hail Mary's and said never to do it again."

"It's still too painful for me to risk confession."

Both of us, Catholics.

"I feel like a monster, and can't forgive myself. I was about 10 weeks. You?"

"About the same. I still feel horrible."

"I know."

"I cry on my way home from work every night. I think about it all the time."

We knew we would never do it again. Once was one more than we ever thought we could.

**photo Life Magazine cover, 1965 and reprinted Summer 1990

All I Got Today

2009-08-31T04:56:00.001-07:00

I’m still absorbing the impact of Teddy’s life and death on our neighborhood, our community, our state, our country, our world. Like Tip said “all politics is local.” Ted never forgot that as many seem to.

His nephew was saying that towards the end of his life, Teddy couldn't always find the words he wanted. One day out sailing, Teddy started yodelling, something he's learned in his younger days. Later that day on land, he touched Bobby's arm, smiled and said, “I’m sorry but that’s all I got left.”

So, taking a cue from the Lion of the Senate, the following from an Alabama Chanin blog post is all I got today.

While looking out over the water from the balcony of a mansion on Shelter Island, Kurt Vonnegut tells his friend, Joseph Heller, that their host makes more money in a single day than Heller will ever earn from his novel Catch-22.

Heller responds, "Yes, but I have something he will never have.”

Vonnegut questions, “What’s that?"

“Enough.”

Learning to Fly

2009-08-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

"What goes up, must come down...and coming down, is the hardest thing."

Day before yesterday, I was flying after making reservations at a nearby bed and breakfast for Squam Lake. When I learned Stef was going to be there at the art show, that decided it for me. I actually committed.

I can't do the retreat this year, but I can go to the art show, and catch up with Thea for a mini photo shoot. My sis is going with me, and we are so looking forward to it. Last time we went off on a distant creative venture together was when we went to Renegade several years ago. I wrote about in a long ago blog.

Of course, I knew after being so high the day before, I was gonna crash yesterday and crash I did. But I'm better today -- in a more even space.

And September is shaping up to be a great month. It's one of my favorite months and not just because it's my birthday month (I share the actual date of my birthday with this lovely lady and this charming gentleman). And this Virgo is now selling cards in her Etsy shop.

12-Step Program for Artists

2009-08-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Is there a 12-step program for artists? I need one. I need an "artner." A local artner. Or a distant artner I can meet up with occasionally for support and guidance, such as the love bombers.

My sister-in-law Chris and I are both writing our stories and struggling with commitment.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to start, sometimes it's hard for me to continue. We both have diverse interests and have difficulty pulling focus. How do I want to express myself? Through spoken word, written word, visual art -- all three?

We both know we are social people and create best, are inspired best in a social environment.

We don't necessarily have to be engaging with someone while we are creating, but we need to feel the energy of the world beyond our backyards when we create.

So, we have decided to be virtual "artners." She's in Baltimore, I' m on Cape Cod. We'll call each other when it's time to "meet" at our local cafes. Check in again to make sure we've completed our writing goal for that date.

I love the following story I read recently in the book, This Year I Will by M. J. Ryan. It reminds me that it's okay to be a socially creative type. However, I would like to have something to show for it someday.

"Three groups of people are climbing a mountain -- social types, competitive types and achievement types. The social ones have a ball interacting with each other, but never get to the summit. The competitive group fights to see who gets there first and the achievement types are looking for another bigger mountain to climb after they reach the top and proclaim ownership of this mountain."

P.S. Does anyone out there know how to tag photos in blogspot like other bloggers do on their sites? So that I don't have to be adding a P.S. to say that the above photo is Chris and my niece multitasking one morning in June (at this point they were aware that I had been slyly taking their pix and you can note their smiles).

What if...?

2009-08-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

A woman I loved once said "ifs don't count."

But, what if...we were all born with our expiration date tattooed on our butts? How would we live? How would we live in relationship to each other? Would we use more care, pay more attention? Would that date imprison us or set us free?

Friendship

2009-08-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

We've known each other for a long time -- almost all of our lives -- yay! Since we were about 13. Not many of those friends left for me, but I am slowly reconnecting with them when I can. I went to the courthouse yesterday to look up someone else I knew from Junior High days and it felt so good. A homecoming of sorts -- back to who I was before the real world creeped in. Who were you when you were 13? I read that recently in a book -- usually, the question is, who were you when you were 10, or some variation, but this time it was, who were you when you were 13?

SAW

2009-08-11T04:06:00.000-07:00

While I can't afford SAW yet again this year on my birthday (my 50th fell right during Squam last year), I am excited about the art show on Saturday. I am hoping to see many "rockstar" bloggers that I read including Denise, Pixie, Susannah and I think she is going too. Oh yes and the divine Thea with whom I must book that photo gig I won on this lady's blog this summer. I hope to someday meet Stef, McCabe and Lea.

** when I am blocked and can't write I move -- my hands, my feet, whatever it takes to release the block -- when I was stuck over the weekend, I made tree charms, walked and biked. Yesterday I blogged and edited photos (I started shooting in RAW -- no idea what it is, I just listen to people who know more -- so my learning curve with photography continues to creep along), today I visit my middle school girl pal for an organic breakfast.